To Kill a Man

The sky above was a dark rolling shadow. The hasty wind peeked into the alley with a cold fervour. I hugged my jacket tighter to myself and leaned closer to the wall. The alley was littered and unkempt; rats scoured the nooks and crannies in search of food. It was quiet in this part of town, no one hangs around here. It was a shady and seedy area; not the safest part of the city. On an average day there were always prostitutes prospecting clients right in the middle of the streets; and let’s not forget the hushed huddles that signified an exchange of questionable substances. Even the police rarely drove around this area, the risk of violence erupting was too hazardous. A sudden crash echoed around the alley which announced the opening of an alley door. Out stepped Raul and Fernando and they gave me a nod in greeting.

 "Congrats Juan," Raul chortled "you've got a chance to prove yourself. The higher ups got a little job for you. It’s quite a ways off though so we're going on a ride. We'll pick up Diego and prepare ourselves on the way."

 I kicked myself off the wall and followed the two out the alley. Raul unlocked the door of a car marred with stains of old age. He turned on the engine and it sputtered into ignition. I sat on the back while Fernando took shotgun. The car turned into the street and we sped off to our destination.

I've been sticking around these guys for a while. We're not quite what you would call friends; a more fitting description would be allies. Some months back they found me lying on the ground in a back alley on the other side of town. I ticked off the wrong guys and they showed their distaste with a harsh beating. Raul and Fernando patched me up and offered protection if I join their group. I was a young boy barely making it in the streets. I had no home and no parents. Each day I nicked food and rummaged through trash for scraps. Their proposition was a lifesaver for me. I know that they are using me to help perform their nefarious deeds; however I was using them to provide me the necessities of life. I get three meals a day, decent clothes, and a roof over my head. It was a fair trade in my opinion. From then on I was one of them. I've looted countless stores and made thefts all around the city. I dealt drugs on some occasions and nobody dared to intimidate or harass me. It gave me a sense of power. I felt as if I could be a part of something in this world; instead of being a nobody that no one cared about begging money on the intersection.

The car slowed down and rested to a halt. The door opened and Diego entered with a duffel bag. He was the other person in our crew. He was closer to me age wise and I felt a closer bond to him compared to the other two. He fist-bumped me in greeting and pulled his bag into the car. I inquired as to the contents the bag.

"It's just a little something to help us, don't worry about it." He replied. His voice had a higher pitch which alerted me that something big was going to happen. I noticed my hands were trembling and I knew that this wasn't like any other "missions." This one was going to be something more significant than the average theft.

The car continued along its predestined path. Raul wiggled through intersections and drove deeper and deeper into the slums. We stopped in front of an old and abandoned apartment complex. The windows were boarded up and paint was chipping off the wall. I couldn't fathom what sort of errand we were sent to do. I'd reckon it's a drug run. The dealer usually picks an unassuming spot and drop off the stash there, and lackeys would drive by and snatch the drugs. It was an easy way to be useful to the higher ups and gain respect, not very dangerous either if the location was not compromised.

The rest of the group stepped out of the car. Diego's bag emitted a clanking of metal when he hoisted it. He beckoned me outside and I followed suit. It was getting dark; the ride took nearly two hours, although it felt much less. Raul walked up to the front door and aimed a well-placed kick at the base of the knob. The door crashed open and the noise echoed throughout the house. I heard rustling and footsteps coming from within the house. Diego zipped open his bag and hoisted a metal pipe which he tossed to Fernando. We all headed down the hallway to the sound of frantic shuffling. Fernando kicked open another door and it revealed a cowering man in his late 30s.

He immediately cowered and pleaded. "Oh please don't kill me. I swear I can get the money somehow. Please, have mercy!" He was afraid, very afraid. It made me uncomfortable to see a man grovelling and begging for his life. Tears and snot smeared his face as he continued to spatter undecipherable pleas. 

Diego and Raul held the man down, blindfolded him, and tied his hands behind his back. He put up quite a considerable fight. His large size allowed him to wail and trash on the floor. However, after a sudden rap of metal to the head he stopped his struggle. I can still hear him crying and snorting through his shackles and blindfold. I was frozen in place. I was no stranger to violence, as it was daily occurrence in this city. But it was the first time that I was directly involved in such a display. I felt sympathy for the man, but I couldn't do anything to help him.

The man was dragged up to his feet and we headed to the roof of the complex. He whimpered with each step up the stairs. My legs were barely moving. The rest of my body was petrified. I had no reason to be afraid, yet my joints had become rusty and it took great efforts to move. 

Fernando wiggled open the roof door and we stepped out into the brisk evening air. Gushes of wind swirled around us as the only witness for our misdeeds. Diego pushed the man into a kneeling position. Raul stood in front of our captive and lit a cigarette. He leisurely took a drag and blew a column of smoke.

"You know why we're here." He began, "You owe us quite a large sum of cash. You've been given plenty of time to repay what was due. Yet instead, you obliged your addiction and threw away our cash with losing bets. I've seen plenty of people like you and to be honest, I want them all gone from my wonderful city. Well, I'm sorry to say that we have to make an example out of you. You know, to prevent all the others like you from doing what you just did, which was going into hiding and hoping that we'll never find you. Oh, but we do. We find you cowering like a pig rolling around in his own filth." He gazed his eyes toward me. "Here's where you come in, the higher ups want to see whether you have it in you to do what needs to be done. It isn’t an easy life, it's just going to get harder and harder from here on out. If you can't handle it, your future won’t be pretty."

Diego dug into his bag and unsheathed a large machete. He handed it to me and gave me a melancholic grin. I gulped and stared at the blade. It was stained a light red. I was unsure whether it was from rusting or from the stains of the unfortunate others it was subjected to. The blade felt heavy and my hands shook, both from the cold and the task before me. Raul nodded to me and moved away. It was only me and the man.

I took a step forward. The noise of my approach sent the man into another frenzy of struggle. He desperately attempted to free his bonds. My mouth felt dry and my head was blank. I was bestowed the power over this man's life. It was the ultimate authority; to choose for a man's continued existence or to end his life. I felt sick to my stomach and I could feel the bile of disgust rising in my throat. Is this how I plan to live the rest of my life?

After a couple more steps, I was directly in front of the man. He had stopped his struggle and the only sound I could hear was his snorts and heavy breathing. He appeared to have accepted his fate. I aimed the edge of the blade so that it was just above his head. The machete was cold and unwieldy, yet I raised it up above my head and prepared to kill. I told myself that it'd be just like hitting a baseball with a bat, a simple movement of the arms, electrons from the brain that tells the muscles to expand. Yet I couldn't do anything. I stood frozen in that pose for what seemed like an eternity before I lowered the blade to my side.

"Well, we don't have all day." Raul insisted "Just off the fellow and we'll be on our way."

"I can't do it." My voice was barely a whisper in the wind. 

"What do you mean you can't? It's a simple task. Just do it!"

I noticed from his rising tone that Raul was getting frustrated. I raised the blade above my head once more. I tried to ignore the voices in my head shouting to spare him. I tried to ignore the unwillingness of my muscles and forced them to obey. I tried to picture as if I was hitting a piñata. Only instead of candy falling out, it would be brain matter. Instead of the happy cheers from children, it would be the sickening sound of gushing blood. I found myself backing away from the man, each step was automatic. I wasn't in control of my body anymore.

"Kid, what in the heck are you doing!?" Raul barked. He took a step towards me and I raised the machete towards him in response.

"Juan, calm down. You won't get hurt. Don't worry, you won't go to jail, there's no witnesses. There's absolutely nothing to worry about." Diego's attempts to comfort me fell upon deaf ears.

I continued my slow march backwards. I felt so useless, completely and absolutely useless. Just what am I doing here? I was about to take this man's life. He hasn't done a single thing against me and I was just about to split his head in two. I didn't want to kill anybody. I didn't want to live like this. The crew continued to spew words at me in attempts to bring my rationale back. However, the panic that gripped me overcame their voices and I found myself falling. I've forgotten the fact that I was standing on top of a building, and that every roof had an end. The border had tripped my foot and I stumbled down.

It seemed quite surreal, to go from about to kill somebody to an inadvertent suicide. My heart lurched. I was really going to die. At least I wouldn't live as a murderer for the rest of my life, which is approximately three seconds until the end of my descent. It was an easy way out, I realized. Instead of deciding upon a choice and living with it, I simply escaped from it all. The machete fell alongside me and I spotted my reflection on its deadly edge. The reddish tint of the blade made me seem demonic. If I had murdered that man, I would've become just that: A demon parading in a human skin. The alley rushed closer towards me. Looking back, all I wanted was to belong. It felt nice to have somebody you can talk to and share secrets with. Even though the crew was merely a distorted mirage of friendship, I desperately clung to it. It was a disillusioned camaraderie that bared its true colours with violence and cruelty.
My life started in the alley, it was only fitting to end it there.